Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Thinking out loud...

I've been thinking lately about what it means to truly love yourself. What does it mean to me to love myself?

I suppose when I really think about it, it means to accept myself as I am even with what I consider to be my flaws and to be happy with who I am. But I still question that it must mean something deeper than that. Nothing could possibly be that easy. Right? Does it mean something different to everyone individually, considering everyone is different, or is there some universal truth in what it means to love yourself?

I find myself falling into depression a lot lately, which is so frustrating to me because it seems that less than a year ago I was a very happy person and I wonder where that person went. A friend told me today that happiness is a decision. I know he's right, but I can't understand why in the world it's so difficult for me to make that decision. To me, it just never seems that simple: to decide to be happy, especially when I have so many other conflicting emotions bombarding me all day long. I'm someone who shows what I'm feeling and it's always written all over my face. I suppose I've never seen the point in pretending to be happy when I'm really not. Of course then, on the flip side, when I am happy, I'm really happy and everyone knows about it.

One thought I've had is that living on my own is starting to get to me. I really enjoyed it in the beginning, but I need to be spending a lot more time with friends, which I seem to have a shortage of at the moment. I find myself quite often asking what it's going to take to find a real, true friend. I've never had a friend I've known for years and years that I share everything with and can count on no matter what. Maybe I haven't been able to be that kind of friend to someone else and not the other way around....

I could sit and question all day, but the main thing is this lack of friends situation has to stop. I must learn to let others in instead of wishing others would find me and solve all my problems.

That's a whole other issue of mine I've had since I can remember (although, I've only recently come to this realization): letting people in. My secret fear has always been that no one will love me. But that just brings me back to loving myself, which reminds me at the moment of The Matrix when the Oracle tells Neo to "Know Thyself". I suppose that's where I've been stuck all along. I have to know myself before I can truly love myself....and for the record, I've never needed for anyone to tell me when I'm in love, I just know. Now, if only I could apply that same self-awareness to all the other aspects of myself and my life....

And so I ask this question to my lovely readers: what do you think it means to love yourself? And what does it mean to you to be happy?
(well, fine. That was two questions!)


Brandi said...

For me, loving myself has always been about being willing to forgive myself. But I know what you mean about happiness. It is a decision, but I think you can't just say "and now I'm happy." It's about deciding how to change your life so that you are happy and you don't have to pretend. More time with friends is key. I moved to San Diego in September, my boyfriend is still on the East Coast and I don't have many friends here. I've met people in the grad program I'm in and I hang out with them regularly and also have a great roommate. But I don't have any REALLY good friends here, friends that I can confide in or turn to when I'm upset. And I've begun to realize how important it is to find that. It'll take time for both of us, but it'll happen.
Thank you so much for deciding to share your feelings.

Melanie's Randomness said...

loving yourself is acceptance of your self. Not always the easiest thing to do. I got the same issue you have here. Lack of really good friends. It's hard to find good ones, really hard. I remember that scene in the matrix. She was right. =) Feel better girl.

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