Thursday, May 12, 2016

Life is Now

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Life is now, not tomorrow or the next day.

Do you know how difficult this concept is for me to grasp? It's like trying to hold water in my hands. (I suppose a smart person who does live in the present would say, "That's crazy. It's not a concept. It just is," like you either did the homework or you didn't.)

I don't know why but I've never (other than when I was small and didn't know any better) lived in the moment, always the past or the future, constantly worrying, wondering, dreaming.

I suppose my mulling this over in my head is close to living in the moment. It's a self-actualization moment. Or something.

Really, I was trying to fall asleep and these thoughts popped into my head, and some rang true and poetic so I had to turn the bedside lamp back on and drag out my pen and paper from the nightstand (because what self-respecting writer doesn't always have pen and paper on hand? or a smart phone; that works too.), and scribble it all down.

I don't know why writing my novel can't be as simple as spilling all my thoughts out on paper.

Well, I do know: I think too much. Dreaming can be a good thing; one must always have goals and plans and things to look forward to, but, as JK Rowling (via Dumbledore in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone) says, "It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live." (you know, that might actually be from the movie, but whatever.)

When did I forget to live?

It must have been some time in elementary when I realized people harbored opinions of me, and I decided to fear those opinions, like walking through a minefield. That dreaded mis-step and poof!

It's absurd, I know. But the first step to recovery is acceptance, when you've past that stage of crippling denial and you want to change your circumstances.

So why am I laying here, my eyes burning, my hand already tired of writing out my random stream of thought? Perhaps I'm hoping I'll talk/think/write my way into an epiphany and everything, all this muck I've been stuck in, will become clear, everything will make sense.

And maybe I'm hoping that when I share these random thoughts on this little, insignificant blip of a blog, somewhere someone will read them someday and say, "Yes!" *lightbulb*

There I go again, grasping for the unknown future.

Oh, lord help the idealist who cannot save herself, for she knows there is no knight in shining armor coming to save her.

P.S. I'm still working on my design boards, in case anyone was wondering. I'm having a difficult time deciding what room to do next (and a difficult time with time), but it will most likely be the kitchen, dining room, or powder bathroom.

Friday, April 8, 2016

Dream House: Entry Board

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Last year I had so much fun collecting inspiration photos for my dream house. This year I wanted to use a floor plan I adapted myself and design it room by room using digital design boards as though it was my own house. I haven't been this excited about a make believe design project since design school. I've been delayed the first few months of this year with real design work and my novel (that still isn't done), but I finally got around to finishing up the plan above. It's probably quite a bit bigger than any house I'll end up living in, but you never know, and I wanted to have a few guest rooms just for the fun of showcasing different themes.

For obvious reasons, I thought I'd start with the entry.

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Paint: Sherwin Williams Slate Tile SW7624
Area rug: Overstock Safavieh Antiqued Vintage rug
Console table: West Elm Lacquer Storage Console
Side Chair: Wayfair Clairborne side chair
Side Chair Fabric: Maharam Chenille Cord, Tide (407808-003)
Table Lamp: Pottery Barn Glazed Glass Lamp
Mirror: Overstock

Friday, January 22, 2016

Goals for a New Year

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I'm making this my motto for the year. It applies to so many aspects of my life right now it's scary and exciting at the same time. Things will change this year, big changes, drastic changes and I think I like that. Already things are changing in certain areas of my life that I did not ask for and I'm not happy with. I will be the first to admit I don't do well with change, at least not immediately. It takes time for me, but over time, as I've been told before, I am very adaptable. I'm trying my hardest to see the silver linings here, but I think I might have to make some extremely hard decisions this year.

All that being said, making the hard decisions for myself means I'm being honest, and it means I'm the one creating the life I want, and not one that is dictated by people that are under the misconception that they can use me for their own means or gain.

I started out this year on a good note, making my goals I'm about to share on January 1st and feeling like this was going to be a good year, and now I'm tired and I'm angry. But I have been learning that anger is a powerful emotion that should never ever be ignored or stifled. It means there is something vital to our soul's happiness that is not being expressed, though learning how to express anger in a way that is powerful and productive is an art. Learning to channel anger into creativity and drive to get the things you want most in life is a challenge I'd like to take on.

For now I'm going to continue a tradition I started back in 2013 of sharing memories from the previous year, and goals for the new year.

15 Memories of 2015:

1 Re-wrote my entire novel
2 Finished Calling in the One
3 Reconnected with someone I hadn't seen in 8 years on Facebook, and now we're dating.
4 Went to Aftershock Music Festival in October
5 Consistently kept up yoga and found a wonderful friend in my yoga instructor.
6 Started archery in August
7 Got my first bow
8 Celebrated 3 years at POI
9 Went to Universal Halloween Horror Nights
10 Tried dating on both Match and Eharmony (neither went very well)
11 Sent Norman Reedus a fan letter :)
12 A friend from high school passed away
13 Spent Thanksgiving with the new boyfriend and his family
14 My mom got herself a new car after being car-less for most of the year
15 Had someone to kiss at midnight on New Years eve

16 Goals for 2016:
1 Finish my novel (I feel like I've said this every year since 2012, but I'd really like to finish it this year. It's so close to being done it's frustrating.)
2 Find an agent for my novel
3 Move into my own place
4 Start the sequel to my novel
5 Keep up my dream house posts monthly: boards by room
6 Share excerpts from my novel on this blog
7 Pay off more debt
8 Get enough of a raise to move out on my own
9 Be consistent with my French lessons
10 Buy new pieces of furniture for my new place
11 Complete my gallery wall in my hallway
12 Buy my own Enagic water machine
13 Do a handstand in yoga
14 Visit the beach more often
15 Ask for what I want (I need to get more comfortable with this)
16 Follow my passion planner

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Dream House: Gallery Walls

I've been wanting to put a gallery wall together in my apartment for months. I have yet to buy enough frames, but I'm hoping these photos will get me motivated.

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Since  I've started this post I've purchase a few frames and I'm getting super excited about getting everything up on my wall. I promise to share photos when it finally happens!

Friday, December 4, 2015

Holiday Inspiration

I can't wait to get a tree this weekend and decorate my apartment for Christmas. I think putting up the decorations is one of my favorite things about the holidays. Here are some gorgeous ideas I've collected for this holiday season.

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Just for fun follow this link to find out what your tree style says about you.

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Happy Hobbit Day!

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Today we celebrate the birthdays of Bilbo and Frodo Baggins, and the simple joys of the life of a hobbit. Thank you J.R.R. Tolkien.

P.S. Tomorrow is the first day of Autumn! Here's to cooler nights, fall clothes, and holidays!!
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