Thursday, May 12, 2016

Life is Now

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Life is now, not tomorrow or the next day.

Do you know how difficult this concept is for me to grasp? It's like trying to hold water in my hands. (I suppose a smart person who does live in the present would say, "That's crazy. It's not a concept. It just is," like you either did the homework or you didn't.)

I don't know why but I've never (other than when I was small and didn't know any better) lived in the moment, always the past or the future, constantly worrying, wondering, dreaming.

I suppose my mulling this over in my head is close to living in the moment. It's a self-actualization moment. Or something.

Really, I was trying to fall asleep and these thoughts popped into my head, and some rang true and poetic so I had to turn the bedside lamp back on and drag out my pen and paper from the nightstand (because what self-respecting writer doesn't always have pen and paper on hand? or a smart phone; that works too.), and scribble it all down.

I don't know why writing my novel can't be as simple as spilling all my thoughts out on paper.

Well, I do know: I think too much. Dreaming can be a good thing; one must always have goals and plans and things to look forward to, but, as JK Rowling (via Dumbledore in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone) says, "It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live." (you know, that might actually be from the movie, but whatever.)

When did I forget to live?

It must have been some time in elementary when I realized people harbored opinions of me, and I decided to fear those opinions, like walking through a minefield. That dreaded mis-step and poof!

It's absurd, I know. But the first step to recovery is acceptance, when you've past that stage of crippling denial and you want to change your circumstances.

So why am I laying here, my eyes burning, my hand already tired of writing out my random stream of thought? Perhaps I'm hoping I'll talk/think/write my way into an epiphany and everything, all this muck I've been stuck in, will become clear, everything will make sense.

And maybe I'm hoping that when I share these random thoughts on this little, insignificant blip of a blog, somewhere someone will read them someday and say, "Yes!" *lightbulb*

There I go again, grasping for the unknown future.

Oh, lord help the idealist who cannot save herself, for she knows there is no knight in shining armor coming to save her.

P.S. I'm still working on my design boards, in case anyone was wondering. I'm having a difficult time deciding what room to do next (and a difficult time with time), but it will most likely be the kitchen, dining room, or powder bathroom.

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